Waking up
by The Angel of Clarity
Summary: Carra has woken up after being in darkness for five years. She must discover what has changed, who she can trust and what exactly happend while she was asleep. I want this to be a multichapter story but I will only do that if you review.
1. Chapter 1

I had no control. I was the nothingness feared by every living creature, a part of the never ending terror that would not cease. I had slipped through the cracks in the earth but it had been my choice and I had chosen to escape. The pain had been unbearable and then I heard _his_ voice telling me to let go. It was a cowardly thing for me to do, giving in and running away, Yelena would be ashamed of me if she knew but Yelena was dead.

It had not been the first time the voice had come to me, offering protection from the torturous pain, but it caught me in my weakest moment and I was incapable of declining.

At first it felt wonderful. I was free and no one was ever going to hurt me again, I could float for the first time in my life. When the darkness came I welcomed it and let it take over me, thinking it was the next step on my journey. Every day my fear grew until it was the one of the only two things I could feel, the other being regret. I wanted to take back succumbing to the darkness, both times. Because that's all I had left, the darkness inside of me.

There were times when I thought of Mogkan. Did he miss me? How was he coping with losing me? Our affair was more amazing than I could have ever imagined when I was younger. He held me when I was frightened, treated me like I was a Queen and made love to me when I needed him so much that I felt as though I would burst. I thought I loved him but whenever I was with him I had a doubt that wouldn't leave. This dank hole didn't help me sought out my feelings but it wouldn't matter. I would never see him again.

Whenever I thought of Mogkan, I thought of the terrible torture Brazell had inflicted on me. The tests he put me through seemed innocent enough at first but when the harmless ball coming at me turned into knives and when Brazell started to shove sticks of fire on my face and telling me to stop it with my mind. He made me run laps while I was weighed down with chains and had no issue with beating me into submission when I failed a test.

It had not always been this way. The tests only started when I turned sixteen, before then I grew up with the other children in Brazell's orphanage. It was in the orphanage that I met Yelena and May. We had just been children at the time and Yelena was a year older than me and May was five years younger than me, just a baby. Yelena was the one to look after us and act like our mother. I used to dream about Reyad falling in love with her and asking her to marry him. A life of luxury was nothing less than she deserved.

When the news of Yelena's death reached us we weren't given any details. I never knew what happened and a sorrow that I had never known filled my heart. Even though we had barely seen her for two years, ever since she turned sixteen, I felt like everything in my life had changed. She was the one thing I could count on, the only constant in my life that couldn't be taken away from me. I couldn't remember my family, so it had always been the three of us and the thought of being alone in the world was isolating. I had to put my feelings aside to look after May, so that she would still have someone she could count on.

I couldn't differentiate between minutes, hours, days, months or years. I could have been a part of the darkness for a century and I wouldn't be able to tell. Nothing would have made me happier than to have my body back. Now that I knew what it was like to be so completely alone, I understood the importance of being able to move and have control in my life. There were so many times when I tried to open my eyes only to be unable to. I could barely feel them anymore.

Once again I turned to my ritual of attempting to open my eyes. It started off the same way it usually did, with a feeling of helplessness that settled in my stomach, adding to the massive pile that was already there. But then something changed. I felt my eyelids for the first time since I had deserted my body. This revelation changed everything. I focused everything I had into opening my eyes and then...They did.

My name is Carra and for the first time in a long time I'm waking up.

_**AN: Hi Everyone. I've had this idea in my head for a while now and I've finally had some time to type something up. Has anyone else wondered what happened to all of the orphans that Brazell tortured? I know they were meant to stay mindless forever but I'm really interested in what Carra would have been like. I can leave this as a one shot or I can write some more chapters. It all depends on how many reviews I get. If I get more than five then I'm going to continue it, so please review.**_


	2. Chapter 2

The room around me was unfamiliar and dark. Of course that was most likely because it was night-time. There was a small window and I could see the small crescent of the moon. I had always loved the moon, it remained indifferent to everything but it affected everything. When I was younger and yearning for my biological family I wanted to be like them moon. Gingerly pulling back the blankets I got out of the bed and walked over to the window.

There was no way that this was real; breathing in the cool night air only confirmed the fact. The night could not be like this again, it had been tainted by the torture, as had everything else in my life. I turned away from the window and looked around the room again. It was then that I noticed that I wasn't alone in this room, there were seven other single beds in the room and I noticed the steady rise and fall that signified breathing.

Suddenly the room felt claustrophobic, I had to get out. My legs were uneasy but I managed to make it all the way across the room. It was hard to find the door in the dark but after a minute of probing I found the handle. I opened the door and had to shield my eyes when the light assaulted my senses. When I was used to the light I turned around to check on the other occupants of the room. No one had stirred.

The room was off from a deserted hallway, with plain walls stretching on past what I could see. I headed to the left groping the wall for support, I had come too far to fall and make a fool of myself. The minutes passed slowly and after a while my legs ached but I couldn't stop. That would mean going back to the darkness and whatever this was I knew that it was the better alternative.

I don't know what I was looking for, well I suppose I do; answers. The only problem was finding them. There was something important at the end of this corridor, I just didn't know what and it seemed like it was too far away for me to even reach. Eventually I found my way to a room that appeared to be the kitchen but it didn't look like the manor's kitchen so the only thing this told me was that I wasn't on Brazell's property.

The cook usually starts cooking at four in the morning so it was either very late or incredibly early as there was no one else here. I moved around the kitchen looking at the familiar equipment that had been used to cook my favourite foods. Speaking of food, my stomach rumbled loudly and I became aware of intense hunger pains in my gut. I had to eat but, unfortunately for me, I had no idea how to cook.

I briefly contemplated the possibility of finding someone to cook for me but I knew that I would get lost and then I would most likely die of starvation. It seemed that the only solution was for me to attempt cooking for the first time. To say that I was terrified was an understatement. I moved towards the pantry with trepidation, hoping that a miracle would occur and I would be spared having to cook. I didn't know who owned these kitchens but they probably wouldn't look kindly on me destroying everything.

Thankfully just as I was about to enter a man walked in. He was dressed in a crumpled guard uniform and his curls hung around his head in a dejected fashion. Overall he looked like someone who had fallen asleep while on watch. I was afraid at first but my need for food outweighed my doubts. With luck I could convince him I was a maid or another average fixture in a wealthy household. Besides, he seemed completely out of it, he wouldn't be able to tell me from a servant.

"Thank goodness you're here. I missed dinner and am positively starving but I can't cook anything to save my life. Would you mind assisting me?" I sounded perfect, a mixture of innocent and pleading.

He looked at me suspiciously before nodding his head. His lack of words surprised me; shouldn't he be asking me questions about things to do with the life of a servant? What kind of guard was he?

We spent the next few minutes in an uncomfortable silence. I didn't want to say something that might compromise my story and he just didn't want to speak to me. A part of me wanted him to say something; I hated it when I was missing things about someone's character and I couldn't figure him out unless he spoke. But he just kept mixing a batter, then he proceeded to cooked the batter and cut the final product into delicious, golden sweet cakes. They were Yelena's favourite food; a thought that brought the beginnings of tears to my eyes.

In an attempt to vanquish the tears I decided to draw the mysterious man into a conversation with me. "Did you just finish sentry duty?"

"No, I was doing some research in the library and fell asleep." The hint of a smile occurred on his face. The first I had seen.

"It must not have been very exciting, if you fell asleep."

"It's just a project that my boss wants done. Most people would be honoured but I think it's just a pain in the ass." He said it so bluntly I let out a laugh. My doubt receded and I decided to trust this man with my name.

"I'm Carra."

"Ari"

_**AN: I know I said I wasn't going to update until I had five reviews but I was struck with the inspiration stick and had to go with it. Congratulations to anyone that recognised Ari for the description (I had to look up what he looked like). I don't have a schedule for updating so please don't pressure me. Again, if you liked this story review (millions of times if you have to) it makes me feel appreciated and puts me in a better mood for writing. So in short, the more reviews I get, the faster I can write. **_


	3. Chapter 3

We talked, for what felt like hours, about things that hadn't mattered to me in a very long time. Ever since Brazell had informed the orphans of Yelena's death I had been drawn out. May had noticed it and the gap between us grew, it had been a relief when I was asked to help with the experiments. I would be allowed to grieve in private, while helping the man that had taken me in out of pure kindness.

I was careful not to say too much but I could tell that Ari knew something. My first estimation of him as a drunken guard that notices nothing was completely inaccurate. Instead he was strong; not intimidating, like he was going to bash my head in, but protective, like he was going to keep me safe. Mogkan had been completely different, fast and flighty, like he could leave me at any moment.

Gradually the sky grew lighter and the cook entered the kitchen. He was younger than I expected him to be, barely a man. However Ari looked unwilling to continue our conversation now that we weren't alone.

"Should we leave?"

"Yeah, Sammy doesn't like it when people cook without his permission. Everyone does anyway but it's best not to get caught." Ari replied in a whisper to low for the cook, Sammy, to hear.

"I hate to tell you this but he's here. Meaning, we have been caught." I said playfully matching his volume.

"I'm respected because of my position but there's no need to aggravate him."

We quickly said good morning and left. I thought that Ari would go to the guard barracks but he held my elbow and guided me through the confusing corridor. Despite the certainty that I would get lost without him, I still didn't want him to leave. His presence was comforting and he made me feel like a person for the first time since Yelena's death.

I remember the moment in vivid detail; Brazell announcing the news to the stunned group of orphans. Yelena had been helping Reyad with a project. An animal struck. He defended her but they both lost their lives. And then I was numb. The woman who raised me was gone because of some wild animal. The tears I had been holding in escaped my eyes causing Ari to stop and wipe them away.

'Don't worry, I'm taking you to the baths and I'll wait while you clean yourself up. And then we'll go to the medic."

"How do you know I need to see the medic?"

"I was one of the guards that brought you here from Brazell's. I recognised you hair." My hair was nothing more than a mattered ginger lump on the back of my necks at this point.

He knew; he had known all along but he hadn't tried to pressure me to talk. He reminded me of Yelena.

"Thank you."

We walked in silence to the baths but it was a comfortable silence. For the time being there was nothing more we needed to say, it was nice to just walk and listen to the sound of our breathing. It wasn't so different and it reminded me that in a way I was just like him. Of course I knew the thought was an illusion but it was so nice that I didn't want to ruin it with the truth.

When we reached the baths Ari waited outside while I walked in. The momentary discomfort from being alone was swiftly replaced by wonder when I got a good look at the room. There were taps everywhere and hundreds of bathtubs made of brass. There was steam in the air, which told me there was supply of hot water nearby.

Hesitantly I descended into a bath and began washing myself in an attempt to get rid of the layer of muck encasing my skin. My hair was close to impossible but I finally managed to untangle all the knots. When I was done I felt clean, in many ways. Clean of the lies that I no longer had to tell Ari, clean of the dirt that had been building up on me, for who knows how long and clean of my past which I can say is over.

Ari was waiting for me exactly where I left him, slumped against the corridor quietly humming to himself. His eyes widened when he saw me, most likely due to the fact that the clothes I had been wearing were too small and had shifted awkwardly once the perspiration on my skin had disappeared, leaving me looking both uncomfortable and stupid.

"Don't worry; they'll get you some clothes when we reach the medic. Just remind me to talk to ask Valek about redressing the..." He seemed to struggle with the last word, as if he didn't want to offend me. I filled him in, "orphans."

"Orphans," he repeated.

We kept walking through the confusing passage until we reached a room with a double door opening. Ari opened the door and I had to cover my eyes. The only detail that registered in my mind was the fact that everything was white. After a minute other things appeared such as rows of empty beds, a table and a woman in a white uniform. We entered the room and she walked over to us.

"Ari, what a surprise to see you here, and without Janco, this must be the first time you've ever been apart." She had the hint of a smile on her face, like a mother talking to her mischievous son. I wondered what kind of person Janco was; the medic seemed to think that he and Ari were friends. Maybe they were best friends but that still didn't tell me what his personality was like.

Then the medic turned her attention on to me. She thought for a moment before rushing me into bed and insisting that I didn't move a muscle. At first it was a normal check-up with the medic claiming that I had a serious case of malnutrition. She and Ari walked off to the far corner of the room and started talking in whispers. I saw the medic nod her head and then Ari left the room.

I made to get up and follow him but the medic rushed back over and forced me to stay in bed. When everything had calmed down I realised that I was exhausted. I needed to sleep but I was reluctant to. What if I didn't wake up and I was just having delusions in the numbness. Going back to the darkness wasn't what I was the most scared of anymore, what I was terrified of the most was the fact that Ari might not even be real. He was different from every other person I had met but he also reminded me of Yelena. When I couldn't put in off any longer I slipped into unconsciousness.

When I woke up I wasn't alone. Ari was back with three other men. He stepped forward and spoke to me slowly. "Carra, I would like you to meet the Commander of Ixia."

_**AN: Hi guys! Thank you so much for all the reviews. You are all EPIC. This chapter was really great to write and I hope you all enjoy it. I think that I've made a few mistakes in Carra's age but as soon as I figure it out I'm going to fix it up. If you have any questions about the story find a way to message me and I will answer them. The important thing is that I get plenty if feedback so that I can fix the things you don't like. I want you to enjoy reading this as much as I like writing it. So enjoy!**_


	4. Chapter 4

The man standing before me looked nothing like the Commander of my imagination. Stories of the takeover were legends among the children of the orphanage and we had played games that involved imagining the conditions of his current life and pretending to govern a country in ludicrous and romantic ways. The possibilities were endless for someone holding as much power as the Commander, so whenever I imagined him, he reflected that by having a well fed belly and wearing medallions and jewellery to display his wealth.

Instead the Commander was a rather small man with a delicate face. He might have been mistaken for a woman if not for the masculine power coming off him in waves. The only visible sign of his position was the two rubies stitched onto his collar. He reached out his hand for me to shake and I responded automatically by raising my own hand.

"It is an honour to meet you sir," I lowered my eyes and tried to be respectful and inoffensive. The fact that I had been openly staring at him only moments before was not helping my cause.

"It may be an honour for you but it is a pleasure for me. I hope you will enjoy our hospitality and rest assured we will do everything in our power to make you comfortable." His voice was pleasant, reminding me of a man in MD5 that acted like everyone grandfather and spoke in a loving tone to all of the orphan children. The Commander turned to the two men whom I didn't know and gestured for them to step forward.

The first man stepped forward eagerly. He was thin with dark hair and half of his right ear was missing. There was something mischievous in his eyes, like he knew something funny was about to happen and he was waiting until he could laugh openly about it. May was like that. The second man hung back from the bed. He had curly black hair and a pale face. When he looked at me directly I could see that his eyes were a sapphire blue.

Commander Ambrose then began the introductions. "This is Janco," he pointed to the eager man, "He, along with Ari, is one of my captains. And this is my chief of security," he gestured to the reluctant man. So that was the infamous Valek. His reputation at the orphanage was something fierce. Some of our tales said that he was an actual magician and that he killed his own kind.

"It is nice to meet both of you but I am very confused. How did I get here?" The men all looked at each other once I had asked my question. It was a tad pathetic.

Ari was the one to answer me, if you could call it an answer. "I know that you have a lot of questions and they will be answered and there will be time for that later. Right now you need to focus on getting your strength back; the medic said that you were suffering from malnutrition."

"Well of course she's suffering from malnutrition Ari; she has been deprived of my presence until this moment. Now that I am here I am happy to say she will make a full recovery." I was right in thinking that Janco was going to make fun of everything but his terrible joke actually brought a smile to my face. It had been a while since I had heard a joke so my expectations were low.

The medic came back and shooed everyone but Ari out of the room. She had tried to make him leave but he refused to leave my side, saying that I needed company. I was touched; no one had ever done something like that for me, not even Mogkan.

At first he just watched me and I tried to look at anything but him. I tried counting the cracks in the ceiling but I couldn't stay focused for long enough to get very far. After running out of things to stare at I looked at him, he looked right back and then we both started laughing. There was no reason for it but after everything I had been through it felt good, like a part of my soul had returned. I knew that it was ridiculous; I had accepted the fact that I was damned a long time ago. Before long there were tears in both of our eyes and an intense pain in my gut.

"So I'm not well enough to be informed?" I said this with a smile so that he knew I was not upset.

"You're much too sick. And there's also the fact that we don't really know how to explain what happened. It had something to do with magic, but we don't understand how it worked and we certainly don't understand what the whole experience would have been like for you. So we've contacted someone who should know what happened and be able to explain it. They'll be here in about ten days."

The word magic caught my ear causing me to turn my head so that Ari couldn't see my face. Growing up in Ixia bred a fear of magicians among most children but I had never been able to inspire the terror in myself. Whenever stories of terrible magicians had reached me, I had simply scoffed because I had refused to see magicians as monsters. But if magic had something to do with what happened then maybe I was wrong in thinking that they were anything like me and other normal people.

Ari watched me even more closely than before; looking for a reaction for his words. I didn't know what he expected to see but he quickly turned his head to the side once I looked back at him. It was awkward for a few minutes after that but I had never been able to stand tension for very long so I soon began the conversation on a more pleasant topic.

"So someone's coming to talk to me. Do you know who it is?"

"Yes, she's a good friend of mine, Janco and I taught her to fight."

"So it's a woman. Tell me what she's like."

"She's strong, stubborn, resourceful, brave, selfless, loyal and kind. She's overcome so many obstacles and she will understand whatever happened to you Carra, she'll answer your questions."

I felt disappointed listening to Ari describe the woman. It was clear from his voice that he cared about her and a part of me wanted him to talk like that about me. When Mogkan and I were involved I had heard him and Brazell talking about me. They didn't know that I was behind the door and I heard Mogkan saying that I was good for nothing and stupid. When I talked to him about it later he told me that he was just pretending so that Brazell wouldn't suspect what was going on between us. It was nothing like the way Ari spoke of this woman.

"You must love her a great deal."

"She's like the little sister I always wanted." Sister? So he wasn't in love with her; for some reason the knowledge took a weight off my mind and I was suddenly very tired. Ari noticed this and stood up. "You should sleep, you look exhausted." He left and I drifted off into unconsciousness, too tired to worry if I would ever wake up.

**AN: Hi everyone, I have to get an update schedule figured out. Can you guys leave me a message with how often I should update, it would be really helpful. Thank you to everyone who has read and reviewed the previous chapters and I hope that you will continue to leave positive messages. It took me ages to write this chapter and I had to do it a couple of times. I hope I got the personalities of the characters right. I like writing as Carra because her personality was never defined. If anyone thinks that the characters are OOC can you please tell me because I hate it when fanfics are like that? I used references from Poison Study in this chapter and if you can find them I will give you a sneak peek at the next chapter. I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

**P.S. I found out the other day that there are going to be another three books in the Mortal Instruments series by Cassandra Clare. I am so excited!**

**The Angel of Clarity **


	5. Chapter 5

_**AN/ In case you guys were wondering, yes I am aware that you all have the right to kill me for not updating in a year. That one is my bad. I've just had such a hectic year and I honestly thought that no one cared about this story. I hope I can get some positive feedback for this chapter on how my writing compares to what it was a year agao. I don't really deserve reviews but I would appreciate them. You know I actually met Maria Snyder this year. She came to my school on her Australia/New Zealand tour and she signed my books and I got a picture with her. One of the best days of my life thus far. So in summery, please forgive me, review and enjoy this chapter.**_

_**Angel of Clarity**_

* * *

My dreams were plagued with dark images. I wasn't even sure what I was looking at most of the time. Mogkan's face floated under my eyelids but instead of the man I loved he was some kind of villain wearing a terrible smirk on his face. That was the curse of dreaming, you always found yourself unable to run or escape your worst fears and you can be forced to face them again and again. I was trapped.

Of course it was a hundred times worse because of everything I had just recently found out. I had been asleep for years and I didn't want to sleep anymore. I wanted to be awake forever because it was the only way to keep the monsters away. And I wanted the man I knew Mogkan was despite the torture. I wanted the love and protection he offered me and I wanted Yelena. I wanted so much that was gone to me and that hurt in ways that I couldn't describe.

I woke up in complete darkness and covered in a hot sweat. It took me a few minutes but I was able to banish my nightmares into a far corner of my mind so I could think clearly. Everything that I had found out seemed blurry and I wasn't sure what was real and what was a dream. By that point my eyes had adjusted to the light and I could see that I was in an infirmary that I didn't recognise. It was then that I knew I hadn't been dreaming and that this was all very real.

Then I had to consider everyone I had met the day before. The Commander of Ixia came to see me personally and Valek, the most feared assassin in the entire world was there was well. The terrible joke Janco made was only funny because it was so terrible. Then there was Ari who seemed to genuinely care about what happened to me, even though he had only known me for less than a day.

These people made me think that maybe there was something else after everything that had happened to me, even that which I couldn't remember. Still there was a long way for me to go before I'd ever consider myself to be alright again. Maybe I could look for May, I could take her away from the orphanage and we could live together and live our lives the way that we wanted. We could go back and visit all the other orphans and pay Brazell back for all the kindness he had shown us. Even as I though these things I knew they wouldn't happen. I couldn't move forward until I knew exactly what happened.

I looked over and saw that Ari was asleep on the chair next to my bed. He looked far less scary than when he was awake. That might have had something to do with the fact that he was sitting down as opposed to towering over everyone with his immense height and also because everyone looks innocent when they sleep.

He seemed to know that I was awake because he stirred after a minute of me staring at him. "Can you stop that? It's freaking me out and it reminds me of something Janco would do." I laughed at that because he said it so casually, without even opening his eyes. It looked very natural and real and for once there was no confusion as to what existed and what was in my screwed up head.

"Do you know what time it is?" I asked.

"How could I possible know that? I just woke up." He replied with simple and infallible logic.

I lay back down and pulled the sheets up until I was comfortable. 'I don't want to sleep anymore. Can you stay awake with me? We can talk about whatever you want." He agreed and I expected the conversation to just flow but it didn't. It was awkward for a minute but then I decided to ask him some questions about his life.

'So tell me, what is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to you?" I figured that if he was a Captain that knew the Commander personally you'd have to figure that his life has been interesting. He must have had some amazing stories to tell.

"I wasn't captain until a few years ago but since I've been promoted I've helped stopped Coues to overthrow the Commander, travelled to Sitia to visit an old friend and helped get rid of some crazy magicians. So I guess you can say that my life hasn't been boring for a while." He was trying to make me curious, either that or he was lying to me and I didn't peg him for the type.

"Does the story end there or do you really hate elaboration? Tell me about this Coues. How was trying to overthrow the Commander and how did they plan to do it?" I couldn't imagine a way to get to the Commander. Valek protected him too well for anything to come close to hurting him. Whoever planned this Coues must have been inventive and I wanted to know what their plan was.

"Well it was complicated and the people behind it had been scheming for a very long time. There were magicians involved and they spent months poisoning the Commander until he didn't have any defences against their magic and then they brainwashed him to try to achieve their evil means. Thankfully we were able to prevent them from succeeding." I didn't need to know him for very long to know that he was holding something back but he wasn't lying. It was more like he knew something would upset me and was choosing not to tell me. I figured it had something to do with how I ended up here but I couldn't be sure.

I looked over at where he was sitting but he appeared to be sleeping. His eyes were closed, almost forcibly. He was hiding something but I didn't have the right to press him for it because of how short a time I had known him.

"I wish you could tell me what happened, I know that you won't but that doesn't stop me from hoping that you will. I just want to know what happened to the people I care about. I want to know about Mogkan." Something about Mogkan's name made Ari's eyes snap open and caused him to sit up very straight. He looked angry.

"Why do you care about him?" I was surprised by the harshness of his voice and a little offended by it. What right did he have to judge Mogkan when they had never met? "He's the man I'm in love with if you must know. And I want to know where he is."

"I don't have to tell you anything! And ask yourself this; if he really loved you then why isn't he by your bedside? Why do you have no one Carra?" Then he got up and left me all alone.


End file.
